It’s the night before my 33rd birthday and I’ve been scrolling through old blog posts to see what I had to say about birthdays past. Besides the occasional brief mention, the only time I really wrote about birthdays and age was when I turned 30.
Oh man was I a lost little puppy. Oh man did I ever get what I wished for. It’s tough to accept that only a few years ago, I was wandering around in a maze of indecision and depression. I felt frozen in time, life just swept past me and all I could do was stand at the window and watch it happen. I didn’t know how to take responsibility for living life on my own terms and got really good at treading water. There were so many things I wanted to do, but felt like I couldn’t do them, or that I had to wait. Now I don’t even know what wait means.
I needed a good shaking. And the shake of my life is what I got. Don’t get me wrong, I have been a very, very fortunate woman to have lived in Hawaii, earned a college degree, travelled far and wide, and worked at basically the best middle school ever. But I was also stuck in this mindset of always reaching just beyond the deep end to where I couldn’t touch, and pulling back instead of swimming. I felt like a failure for not having the guts to follow the song of my heart.
But guess what good people? It was all as it was meant to be. If I hadn’t been a lost puppy, I never would have been able to hear that heart song. If I hadn’t gotten that shaking, I never would have been forced into the deep end. And folks, the best part is that I no longer need to try to grasp what’s just out of reach, because everything I could ever want is right here in my hands at this very moment.
With that I will say that the last two years have more than made up for the years when life sped by uneventfully. Just when I thought nothing could top my 31st year, 32 crept up and saw me opening a business, something I never thought my guts were up for. And as I prepare to leave Colorado, and start a new kind of life once again, I have a feeling 33 will definitely be the best year yet.
Tomorrow my beloved pilgrims and friends and Yellow Arrow regulars will gather for a goodbye party in this little shop that has become my home. It’s heartbreaking. It’s magical. It’s perfect. It’s one of the great challenges of my life, to let go of this place and dive into the deep end. I don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I see that little arrow and following it is the only thing to do.
Oooh it’s scary, to be sure. But I’m happy to report that since that 30th birthday wish to no longer let time rush by, I’ve played softball again, rode a roller coaster, saw lots of aunts and uncles, started a business, travelled more of the world and am cooking that book as we speak. This year, I don’t have time for wishes, too busy living, try again later.